I Feel Guilty...

I feel guilty that even since I started work, I have not had time to spend my hours with Nanny.

She called this morning. It was like I magically conjured her up since so many days ago and we finally talked. Albeit, I was very sleepy and bonedead from the day before.

I feel guilty that I was not the one who took the initiative to call her.

I feel guilty because I am going away in few days and I don't think I'll be able to see her.

I feel guilty because between now and later, I won't be able to see her even for Haji.

I feel guilty because she thought I was angry about something that was nobody's fault and I wasn't even angry. She just thought I was.

I feel guilty because she said I was being cute when all I wanted to do was cry on her shoulder and say I'm sorry.

I feel guilty because I haven't been a fillial granddaughter and I miss her so damn much.

I feel guilty because none of her other grandchildren talk to her like I do and yet, I don't even do it much anymore.

I feel guilty because I haven't brought her to Hawana Cafe, Dad's sister's newly opened cafe where Fartz is working at.

I feel guilty because I didn't follow Mom and Dad to visit her last week because I was too caught up with schoolwork.

I feel guilty because she is my grandmother, I am her first grandchild and I should have done better with my grandaughterly duties.

I feel guilty because I am afraid something happened to her between the now and the time I finally see her again.

I feel guilty that she's not going with me.

I feel guilty because she still thinks of me.

I feel guilty because she commented on how long it's been since she saw me.

I feel guilty because it seems as though I have disappointed her.

I feel guilty because whenever I see old people, it would remind me of my grandmother and how I haven't been seeing her.

I feel so damn guilty that I'm not even in a mood to go on holiday.