Shaken To The Core

No, this isn't about an earthquake, whatsoever.

I just happened to be surfing around, finding out about stuff that I didn't know about & being a kaypo. I happened to type something else in the search bar (I'm not going to mention what) & as I scrolled down, a familiar term caught my eye. Of course, inquisitive is my middle name so I clicked the link to see what it contained.

Curiosity killed the cat, didn't it?? Well, it killed me too.

After reading everything, I went to the ladies & just teared. Yeah yeah, I cried. Okay?? Don't tell anybody. Not because I was sad or anything. Well, I can't deny that I was slightly hurt but that's not the point. Because the words rang true in my ears. I am still shaking from the revelation of the 'discovery'. It was by pure accident, I swear. I never meant to find out this way. My hands are trembling, not because of the cold air-conditioning but because of how deeply it affected me. And I can say, it's usually hard for something to create much of an impact on me.

I didn't know it happened that way & I didn't know you felt that way. I mean, I could sense the shift in emotions, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what. I am not hurt by what I read; I really don't know how I feel right now because my own emotions are in a jumble. I don't take offense in what I found out because I know some of it is true. Some of it, maybe you interpreted wrongly because I know I never meant to imply it that way. I can't say you're oversensitive because it wouldn't be fair; I did my share of complaining & bitching too.

I know sometimes my emotions get the better of me & my ugly side is revealed. I can't help it, that's part of me. And sometimes, I might be the most insensitive, inconsiderate idiot ever. Temper-wise, I still need to learn how to keep it in check. My mood-swings have been known to drive even the closest friend away. But I need you to know that no matter how volatile I get, no matter how 'scary' it may seem, I am not one to hold back & keep grudges.

To me, the hurt is only temporary because I know it in me that with time, everything will heal. It's not only due to time, but also due to my surroundings, due to the people around me. It's because I know that feeling hurt isn't everything in the world & that I'd still have you because I don't care how many times you hurt me or how many times I get hurt. Maybe that's why most of the time I revert & bounce back quickly from my bad side. And I need you to know that no matter how angry or upset I get, I still need you. And that's the most important thing that matters.

This not only applies to you, but to all those whom I know well & keep treasured. You know who you are. I don't need to mention names.

I haven't been a good friend to you, not really. I mean, I feel it. I haven't been there when my friends needed me. Not much. I wasn't there when all the bad things happened to you guys. I can't understand why mishaps occur to you guys when I'm not around. It makes me feel helpless that I can't be there to prevent things like that from happening because you guys don't deserve it.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve your friendship. I do things sometimes, that might seem a little uncalled for. But that's just one of the ways in how I'm expressing myself & how I want you to feel it with me. I am not the sort of person who hides things; I can't stand it if I know something that my friends don't & I don't share. I would tell something even if to you, it doesn't seem worth telling. I know you have your own secrets to keep; I understand & respect that. I never expected you to tell me, either. That is your choice. And though you don't tell me some stuff doesn't mean I don't know. You think I don't, but because you try so hard to make it unobvious that it shows.

We spoke of this quite a number of times & I've said it to a few of my friends. I am not the type of person who would abandon her friends just because of some guy. And I know most of my friends agree. So what if I do finally get a guy one day?? That guy, whoever it may be, will come & go (unless he's the one & only true love) but friends like you & my others are hard to come by & can never be replaced. Doesn't mean I go gaga over testosterone means that you, I forget.

I will always remember this phrase: Girls Will Abandon Their Friends For The Guy, But Guys Would Abandon The Girl For Their Friends.

And I think it's true. Most of the time, anywayz. Which makes me somewhat on the weary side of falling in love. I do believe in fairy tales & true love, but I'm skeptical that it would happen to me. Ohh well, fate has its ways, I suppose. Since the last time I stopped having feelings for a guy, I can't be bothered anymore. I guess I began noticing it when I was still under the inevitable infatuation spell. But now, I'm done. Actually, I've been a long time done with it.

At least I didn't go around secretly hoping & wishing about what it would be like to be with him. Even though you people tried to evoke extra feelings in hopes to spur me on, I forced myself not to hope. There was too much at stake. And I knew long ago that I'd never have him. True, we did bond well but I never hoped for more than that. Nothing would come out of it & nothing did. Maybe you were jealous over that?? I don't know. You pretend not to care about it but I know there's more than meets the eye. The way you put it was if though you wanted it to happen to you, too. You want?? Take lahh. Are you happy now that you managed to get more connected to him without my knowledge?? Are you satisfied when I am not being 'entertained' by him?? Boy, I must've looked like one helluva stupid idiot. Please, I've moved on long ago. It was only temporary. We both knew it. So what are you complaining about??

*Off-Topic: Note to Nini* You are so going to lose the bet we made. I'm not going to be the first one. Literally impossible.

I just want to say I'm sorry. Sorry for lots of thing, I guess. Sorry for everything that I should & shouldn't have said & done. Sorry for taking this friendship thing so seriously that it hurts the people involved & I didn't even realize it. Sorry for the frequent temper flares & emo-ness, the erratic waves of emotions. Sorry for taking too much but giving so little back. Sorry that my actions don't portray the words I want to say, which leads to misunderstandings between both parties.

And I'm sorry if I only realized my errors & wrongdoings too late. But well, if you feel that having me as a friend is just too hard for you to upkeep, then I can't do anything about it. I guess if it did come down to that, maybe it's best if we did part our separate ways. I'm just sorry everything happened the way it did. I don't know if I can still trust you after knowing you did whatever you did behind me. Should I?? I have no right to feel angry towards whatever you did. One, because it was in the past & two, you're entitled to your own opinions. Maybe from now on, I don't tell you anything & you don't tell me anything. That way, it would be fair. If I could undo it, I would. Just so it'd make you happy.

Laterz...
Lenny JC