Feelings Of Empathy Sold Separately...

It's been a few months since the start of something so big that boy, if you just open this can of worms, you'd probably get washed over by an avalance of those crawlies.

Actually, it's been slightly more than half a year since I first found out what I found out at the gym. Today, the dam that we'd tried so hard to hold up gave way. The floodgates burst open. And natural disaster ensued.

I wasn't there to witness it firsthand. It is a blessing and a curse in disguise. But I'm leaning towards the blessing. But I knew more than enough to foresee that simplicity would not be playing its part. There was nothing simple about this whole situation. Because if I were there, I wouldn't know what to do nor would I know what to say. What was there to say?? Everything was out in the open.

Should I cry?? Because you two did. And it is a known fact that I am not the best advice giver on the planet. No, wait. I suck. Jan is constantly bitching at me because Aunt Agony skills are below par. She's right.

Because the things I spout off might not be well taken by others and may seem like I'm condemning them. The fact of the matter is, I don't want to offer supportive advice neither do I want to seem like a cold bitch who doesn't give a damn.

I care. In my own twisted way that is only decipherable to me. You wouldn't understand and I don't expect you to understand. So it eats me inside because you got blindsided by someone you trusted more than you trusted us. Us, the people you've known for almost two years versus this one person you barely knew. I hate that I wasn't there together with the two of you. I might not have been much help, but at least there would've been one more person who was solid enough and not shedding tears. And especially because that bit of information that got this whole shebang going was provided by me. No, I didn't investigate. No, I didn't ask. I was told by obligation.

Why do you think I refused to listen to you all this while?? Because I didn't want to know. And even if I did, what did you want me to say?? To praise you for your behavior?? To tell you what a well-done job you did?? Or to criticize you for your actions??

Bottom line, I have no right. Neither am I in a position to tell you what to do.

I'm sorry if my general outlook radiated indifference. I'm not the person who would ask if you're all right. Why should I?? I already know you're not. But I'm also not the person who'd gloat in your face and snicker that you deserve it. Nobody deserves what you got. But it happened, it's done and you can't undo it.

I can't tell you, don't worry everything will be fine. Because it's not. Then I'd be a lying hypocrite. I'm not the person you go to for a shoulder to wipe your tears on. The most I can give you are my endless amounts of packet tissue stuffed in my bag.

I can't provide you with verbal support because ultimately, it wouldn't make you feel any better. There is no reason to sugarcoat my words, rub your back and tell you to move on.

How were you expecting me to react when you told me you were crying, broken and devastated?? Was I supposed to tell you not to cry?? Did you mean for me to drive straight to your house and offer you endless comfort??

If you were anticipating that from me, sorry to disappoint.

I'm not here to know how you're feeling. I already know. If it really were reciprocated, we wouldn't be in this position.

But know that I'm here to listen to your definitives. And know that even though I may remain silent or say things that are neither constructive nor destructive, you've already got my backing 100%, whatever you decide to do.

Laterz...
Lenny