Not Your Usual Route To Success...

I finally decided to sign up for school again after almost a whole long year of hiatus. Which basically meant doing nothing. I found the degree I had always wanted -yeah, that one in Australia- that had unconspicuously found its way here.

SMa -that stands for Singapore Manufacturer's Association- School of Management had just opened up a few years ago & were now offering a Bachelor degree in Mass Communications from, where else?? Murdoch!!

You have no idea how gratified I was when I laid my eyes on that piece of printed ad my Mom kept for me. Obviously, as you peeps know, I had always harbored a dream to study overseas & again, as you know, that dream was prematuredly dashed when my parents decided to shift from Tampines to Loyang View.

Although because of that, it has obstructed my path, I still know in the depths of my heart that my family can still afford that travel ticket whenever I want. Just not for study purposes.

And, surprisingly, I'm okay with that. I have come to terms with fate & I have peacefully resigned to myself that yes, you can't always have what you wish for. But, there's always that little silver lining in that cloud & blessings come in all forms.

I've become at peace with myself, knowing that even if my parents can't afford to provide me with an overseas education, they can provide me with something else. And, they have. Thankfully now, that overseas opportunity has come beckoning towards me.

Even though I don't have the chance to further my studies overseas, my parents have silently -and mutually- consented that I can go wherever I want whenever I want.

I have always been the one who takes the longest & hardest time to get things done. Others usually take the straight route, while I, by default, have always chosen the hard way. It's just in me. And to think that I only sensed it now.

In a family where one is not only the first child but the first grandchild, standards were always going to be high. Bars were always going to be raised. Expectations were always going to be heightened. My position was frequently regarded as the slacker, the one who shone rather brightly at first, but would fade in the distance. My cousin after me always took the role of the brainchild. We were opposites, but we clicked.

You couldn't see it, but the pressure was there. It was just that I, being the carefree one, always brushed it aside & went about my merry way. But just recently -after twenty years, goddammit!!- realized that there was more than just pressure put on by my family. It was the pressure I put on myself.

After twenty years, I suddenly woke up to a realization that, bloody hell, I am NOT the failure people want me to be. It's that subtle feeling you get when you sense someone is just waiting for you to fall flat on your face so they could get the last laugh.

And I realized that people have been comparing myself & my cousin just as I passed my TP test. Yes, believe it or not. The slacker passed on her first try. While even though my cousin got hers a few months ago, she only passed on her second try. My uncle couldn't believe it, my grandmother couldn't believe it.

Heck, my own mother had to ask me four times. Because she -an excellent driver- took seven tries to pass. So, how was it that her do-nothing-at-home-all-day-for-a-year daughter could ace it at only one try??

That was when it hit me hard that, unrealistic as it may seem, my family had expected me to fail. As hard as it is to admit it, damn, that hurt. I finally saw how my family saw me in their eyes. And it also hit me after that how much I wanted to pass. To think I didn't even know they had negative feelings about my capabilities. Not just at driving, but at life.

Deep down inside that carefree soul, I knew I wouldn't accept anything other than a pass. Like it was as if I had something to prove. Not to my parents, not to my grandmother, not to my cousin. To myself.

Looking back, I think it was the pressure of wanting to make something of myself that pushed me to do well for my test. I hadn't realized it at first, but I do now. Those days of hitting poles while parking & mounting curbs while turning were kinda like my sweat, blood & tears.

Every time I had a bad driving lesson, I beat myself up for it & swear myself upside down. Hell, I had a lesson the day before my test & let me tell you, it was shit. I hit every curb imaginable. No wonder Mom thought I couldn't make it. It brought a surge in me that I couldn't describe.

Today, after registration, Dad made a remark that brought that surge back in me. He said that if I got a good pass for this, then that's fine enough. I made a non-committal reply but my heart shouted, No!! A good pass is never enough!! Especially not with me getting something I want. It has to be more or it's never going to be enough. Just those words, and the bar has been set. The stakes are high. And the challenge has to be met.

Well, there's no point if you can talk the talk but can't walk the walk.

Mom always said some people developed slightly later in life & when they do, that's when they'll make a difference. I'm holding her to that because for the last twenty of mine, no difference has been made.

Today, I cried. Because today, I drove like an asshole. I grazed the curb twice & mounted it once. Again, I cursed myself. What's the point of passing your TP when you can't even turn properly without touching the curb. My parents weren't there when I drove. They weren't there to judge me. They didn't even reprimand me when I told them about my bad driving. Nobody said anything bad about it to bring down my eager driving spirit. I did all that myself.

Dad just said I needed more practice. I was adamant about it. To me, once you pass, that means you're trusted to be good on the road because it's expected of you. You're trusted with the lives of others in the backseat to know that they're safe with you.

Fartz said my expectations of myself & my driving skills were too high. That I set too high a standard for driving. Just the way I did with other aspects of my life. From a fourteen-year old, this sounded real strange.

I'm still brooding about it. I know I shouldn't, otherwise it would affect my judgement & cause my confidence level to drop even lower. Maybe she was right. Although at this age, I think it's time to take charge of my life. For real. High standards or not. Long road or short. Like driving, life could get rough.

Bring it on.

Laterz...
Lenny