Round 2 Group Matches...

Without beeing seemingly long-winded, here's the lowdown on what I think of the matches I've seen during this round. Of course, some were just damned power while others...downright preposterous (see Group B: England v Trinidad & Tobago).

Group A: Germany 2 Poland 0
Verdict: Last-grasp winner

This was one of those matches that had the tension as thick as a London fog where you could cut it out as a dessert & serve it on a platter for the soccer players to feast on after the match. For the whole of 90 minutes, it looked as though it was destined neither Germany nor Poland to win the bloody game. A

And of course, with a game that had tension as thick as those Yorkshire Puddings the Brits loved to eat, there was bound to be flashes of cards around & of course, towards the end, a Polish player got sent off. Michael Ballack came back to play & was hardly inspirational for his team.

Well, he did create chances & had some of them himself, but most felt he was playing half of what he was worth. Miroslav Klose & himself came so close to scoring as the German team bombarded the Poles with their flowing attack.

My Fried boy sucked & had to be taken off slightly after halftime. And I seriously couldn't find it in me to sympathize with him because, truly, he sucked. His replacement, David Odonkor, had only two international caps to his name but could outrun the Looney Tunes' Roadrunner if given the chance. Lukas Podolski, Germany's very, very young striker, was also replaced & in came Oliver Neuville.

Now, this Neuville guy, is kinda like Ballack, Klose, Schneider & old those goats who've seen & played in the previous World Cup. So, due to increasing age, he's been used as a substitute ever since this year's World Cup tournament started. But, man, what a substitute!! Even through the dying minutes, Germany refused to give up & out of nowhere, Michael Ballack's cross met with the boot of Oliver Neuville & like a miracle conjured by the hand of God, the ball went in. And Germany won, 1-0.

Seriously, Poland's goalkeeper, Artur Boruc, was outstanding throughout the match, keeping the German attack at bay & making really marvelous saves. But, it was not Poland's night. Poor guys.

Group B: England 2 Trinidad & Tobago 0
Verdict: Like being on Groundhog Day

If you haven't seen that old flick before, let me explain quickly that Groundhog Day is actually a day that keeps repeating itself & it's like, you keep living solely in that day. Like, you're trapped in some kind of faulty time portal that just refuses to move on from a sucky day & instead you get countless of sucky days. Just like England. Seriously, why did I even bother staying up late??

The only entertainment I got from watching this absurd match was from the commentator who was, by far, the most smart-assed out of all the ones I've heard. There was an incident where Steven Gerrard struck a thunderous strike towards goal but ended up hitting a T & T player, Dwight Yorke, who went down in agony after that, clutching his genitals.

The commentator's response?? "I think Dwight Yorke felt Gerrard's shot right on his Michael BALLacks."

I almost died laughing. And to add insult to the injury -literally-, the camera kept focusing on Yorke & the position of where his hand was -right inside his shorts!! And the commentator had even quipped, "And I think he's even crying!!"

Ohh, man!!

I guess you could say the commentator was bored with nothing to report on because when David Beckham went up to take a free kick, he was like, "Come on, David!! Bend it like Beckham!!"

And he even unpurposedly combined the names of two players from both sides. Because this T & T guy, Sancho went in for a tackle on Frank Lampard, the fella said, "Ohh, what a tackle on Lampo. Or rather, what a tackle from Sancho on Lampard."

Like, okaaay. And they pay you good money to be a pundit. Just perfect.

For 82 minutes, England remained contented to pass the ball around. Only after those minutes did something appeared from nothing. Beckham's cross provided perfectly for the towering Peter Crouch whose header undeniably went in to prevent England from the scrutinizing media of whom were just waiting for the perfect opportunity to blast the English team after their pithy performance.

A few minutes later, Steven Gerrard's thunderous volley sent England into a cushiony win over T & T. It wasn't as if T & T played badly, either. Their goalkeeper, Shaka Hislop from West Ham was outstanding on occasions & I just bet that he must be sick of seeing all his efforts go down the drain, especially after Steven Gerrard's goal. Well, I reckon he must be sick of Steven Gerrard scoring goals, period.

Group C: Netherlands 2 Cote D'Ivoire 1
Verdict: Too early a Dutch celebration

It wasn't as if Oranje delivered a sparkling performance throughout the match. They slacked like Ah-Peks sitting at a Kopitiam during the second half & was very lucky the Ivorians weren't clinical enough in their finishing to clinch another goal or two.

Although, I can happily say that my horse has finally broke his scoring duck. Yessssarh, Ruud!! THat was enough reason for me to whip out my Holland lanyard & scream bloody murder only to decrease my volume a couple of decibels as I realized that I was the only one cheering in my house. Everyone had, apparently, fallen asleep & left me to be the night-shift security guard.

And Robin Van Persie's free kick was so powerful & so fecking full of oomph, it could very well go down in the History of Goals book as one of those spectacular goals. That was prolly why he was named Man Of The Match, methinks. His goal, and his ability to defend when duty called. Ohh, and by the way, RVP's goal was the first for the Dutch & Ruud's goal came three minutes later.

Defense-wise, the Dutch still needed to be tighetened. I mean, Giovanni Van Bronckhorst looked seriously ill at ease with being a left-back & this, coming from one of the greatest defenders playing for one of the greatest clubs in the world, Barcelona.

For God's sake, will somebody tell handsome Marco to drop useless Mark Van Bommel who is nothing but a clumsy piece of rubbish who seriously, gets in the way of everybody & is just a plain waste of precious space on the pitch?? He gives the ball away to easily, his tackles are too late & most of the time, inaccurate. What the hell, man!! Off to the bench, is the perfect remedy for this insipid player. Gahh!!

And, yes. Mr. Arjen Robben. Can I give you a slap?? Isn't it bad enough that you are Dutch & play for Chelski but to be Dutch & DIVE!?!?! That is fecking riDICKulous, mate!! What were you THINKING when you decided to be a fragile flower & go down in the penalty area?? What are you, nuts?? And then came the horror-act where you pretend you simply couldn't believe you got booked for diving. Well, what did you expect to be getting?? An Academy award?? I shave your already-balding head, then you know.

Seriously, that was the only moment when I wished I wasn't one-quarter Dutch.

Ohh, Edwin Van Der Sar was also exceptionally in his saves. And has fishballs for eyes. Especially when he uses it to glare at the defenders for not marking their opponents properly. It was during a corner kick when the ball sailed past all the defenders & none of them managed to get a foothold onto the ball. Robin Van Persie was on the goal line & nearest to the ball & so he kinda pushed it away with his chest & away from danger. After that, the defenders all got a good glare from the skipper, who's intimidating stance could put the fear of God in any man. The Dutch & RVP did much better after that.

Dang, I'm so proud of RVP. And did you know he's Islam-kan!?!?! I could cry!! Daddy PK told me so. He has been Islam-kan since young although he wasn't born Islam-kan. Sadly, he is married to an Egyptian girl & is not in any case a possible option for me.

When I asked Daddy PK about his allegations concerning his rape-case, Daddy PK assured me that those were just accusations from the other party, just like in Cristiano Ronaldo's rape case that wasn't.

Interesting...

Group D: Portugal 2 Iran 0
Verdict: In a restaurant on Father's Day...

This was an interesting match because we all went out for dinner with my aunt's family who came down from Kuala Lumpur so my uncle could go for his chemo-therapy treatment. Yeah, it was the same aunt who talked to Datins & their million-dollar lifestyles.

Anywayz, we went to Kampung Chai Chee seafood restaurant in Upper Changi Road where the food, ambience & service was so much better than that of the branch in Tampines. So, it was decided that we would be dining inside, amidst the cool air-conditioning & less noise. After ordering the dishes, one of the waiters came up to us & asked if we minded the television being changed to another channel -an Indonesian one- because there was going to be a match being played in another five minutes or so.

Of course, I didn't pass up the chance of watching football & so, I enthusiastically encouraged him to change it. And it happened to be Portugal against Iran. It also just ironically happened to be the match that both, my sister & cousin were earger to watch because of this one midfielder named Cristiano Ronaldo.

*Rolls eyes*

Sure, I'm okay with Portugal. I like Deco from Barcelona because he's a damnably good player & because there's more to Portugal than the likes of Cristiano 'Stepover' Ronaldo. I just never saw the big deal & the hype surrounding this one player. Sure, he's got a hot bod & an equally hot temper to match. His stepovers are a joy to watch but can be converted into plain annoyance when over-indulged.

Ohh, but we did make fun of this one player, Nuno Maniche. Who looks like a feckingly fat version of Jim Carey & wore his jersey so tight, you could see his moobs stretched tight across the Nike DriFit fabric. Yech!! Somebody call up California Fitness & get this guy a membership this instant!!

Everytime he got the ball, my cousin & I would jeer & well, you know how I am when it comes to players I don't like. Especially players from Chelski.

Anywayz, my father is one embarrassingly confused guy who never ceases to make me want to bury my head under the table whenever he opens his mouth & talk about soccer. My uncle, is a Manchester United fan & guaranteed, he knows all there is to know about the beautiful game. But, my Dad is an entirely different story.

Okay, so maybe I didn't give him enough credit, yeah.

But, really. Just five seconds after my cousin, her father & I stopped talking about whether or not Cristiano was playing, my Dad went, "Ehh, so Ronaldo play or not arh, Ronaldo??" Strike one for Daddy dearest.

Then, my cousin & I went on discussing Luis Figo & his Golden Generation years that included Rui Costa & how he always got tackled when he had the ball at his feet. Just as the television showed a replay of Luis Figo being tackled, my Dad quipped, "Ehh, Figo playing or not arh, Figo??"

Like, Daaaaaaaaaaaaad!!

Of course, I showed my inappreciation for Ronaldo everytime he had the ball & after a few metres running with it, was either tackled by the opposition or tripped himself on an imaginary piece or obstruction. Guh!!

In the middle, my aunt snarkily commented that she was backing the Czech Republic, making me burst out in giggles. When I asked her to name me three Czech players, she took three seconds to ponder & then said, "Milosevic!!" rather smugly. I frowned a little & then countered that wasn't Milosevic part of the Serbia & Montenegro team instead of the Czech one?? When my uncle confirmed that the Cezchs had a Milosevic in their side, I seriously contemplated to check soccernet.com once we got home.

But then, my aunt had to continue her tirade & ruining everything by saying, "Yes, there's a Milosevic. And the his two friends are Ovaltinovic & Horlicksovic."

Please don't think I didn't burst out laughing in delight there & then.

And so it was that we stayed all throughout the game, where my Dad complained half the time that even after halftime & with half the food on the table gone, there wasn't even a single goal in the game. Only in the middle of the second half came the splendid goal from my shorty Deco -see, I told you he was damnably good!!- outside the box which gave the Portugese the lead.

My Dad & his sister were, of course, behind the Iranians even though it was like backing a lost cause. Sure, most of the Iranians were Islam-kan, but logically, did you really think they would win??

I even commented to my cousin about the possibility that they didn't say their prayers & thanks to Allah before the game & say Bismillah before they kicked the ball, which of course, she laughed & agreed.

*Zips mouth before Al-Qaeda comes hunting me down*

Well, the second goal was a penalty from none other than Cristiano the Great. I swear, everytime he does or doesn't do something, he'll look up at the sky as though it was all God's fault that got him into the position that he was. Like, for example, if he was tackled. Just as he gets up from his position, he'll look up at the sky in despair as if to say, why God?? Why did I deserve this tackle?? Or just after he scored his penalty, he looked up at the sky.

I voiced out the thought that maybe he was dedicating that to his dead father up in the heavens & proceeded t explain that 'poor' Ronaldo was recently orphaned because of the death of his father. And just as I was serious about it, my aunt had to ruin the moment & jokingly said, "Really?? I'm an orphan too. My Dad left me & my twelve siblings, including your father. Maybe Ronaldo looked upstairs to look at his father but found MY father instead."

God, my aunt never seems to stop, doesn't she.

Group F: Brazil 2 Australia 0
Verdict: Socceroos got dingo-ed...

Ahh, poor mateys. They were so good against an unconvincing Brazilian side. But, not good enough, apparently. The goals only came through during the second half with Adriano slotting in the first after an assist from Fatty Ronaldo & the second coming from substitue Fred, who after coming on for only two minutes, calmly pocketted the ball home after the Aussie goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer failed to collect it to safety.

The interesting part of the game was during the starting moments when the Brazilian team were singing their national anthem. Naturally, the camera would feature each player individually down the line & so, it began with Fatty Ronaldo. After a few players, it was their tall & imposing goalkeeper Dida, following a slightly shorter Ze Roberto.

When the camera showed the player next to Ze Roberto, only the top-half of a bald head could be glimpsed & the camera stopped moving for a few seconds before indiscreetly shifting downwards to reveal a very, very short Roberto Carlos.

Ohh, how pained he would be if he saw that clip. One of the hailed Brazilian greats, Roberto Carlos even gave Fatty Ronaldo a piece of his mind with some choice words when the latter made him run all the way from his place at left-back to chase a runaway ball that became a lost cause.

Like, of course the fella should be pissed as hell. He was a defender, for God's sake, not a speedy striker. And anything could happen between now & five seconds that spanned if he was caught out of position.

And yes, Fatty Ronaldo was substituted after failing to either create chances or make full use of them on the pitch other than getting his shin scraped pretty badly by some Australian guy's cleats.

Somehow, I don't find myself feeling for his situation. Maybe he & Maniche from Portugal could go for gym sessions together.

By the way, did you know that German referee Markus Merk is actually a professional dentist in Kaiserslauten when he's not involved in matches?? Cool, ehh. Well, except for when he's pulling out your teeth. It's almost like getting red-carded during a match.

Group G: France 1 South Korea 1

This is a very laughable game. Because I slept mostly during the game & asked myself time & time again why I even bothered to watch this. France & England both have something in common. Whenever they play, I find myself falling asleep.

God help me if I watch these two teams play against each other. I think I would cry tears of boredom.

Although this time, there were no arguments between Zizou & his French buddies. There was a goal disallowed, though. And a goal scored -by Thierry Henry. As well as a very messy goal by South Korean midfielder, Park Ji Sung.

One thing that separates the Koreans & the Japanese, is that the Koreans don't know the meaning of giving up. They toiled endlessly, never ceasing their attack & never slowing down on their speedy runs, it was like watching eleven mice on crack, scampering around the more gigantically albeit elegant, gazelle. Meaning, the French.

See, the French, no matter what they do, have a very elegant manner about them. Even when they go in for tackles, there's an air of grace that exudes on the border of arrogance & my opinion is that that is their downfall.

They just can't seem to accept the fact that the France of old isn't like the France of today. Les Bleus have turned into Les Bores, according to my favorite columnist, Tay Yek Keak from The Straits Times.

Which is true. Not many matches could resort to me half-lying on my sofa with a pillow under my head as I start to snore softly.

And I just can't fathom the reason why Raymond Domenach just refuses to field Juventus striker, David Trezeguet as one of the starting XI. To me, the most ridiculous thing is to put on an attacking player during the dying minutes of the game, especially when there are only a few extra minutes to play. That just shows how desperate a coach is. And just how much can one do in those extra-time minutes??

So, I thought bringing on Trezeguet was purely a waste of time, energy & effort. His effort, to be exact. Because he hardly got a kick out of the ball. Tut tut...

Group H: Spain 3 Tunisia 1
Verdict: Comeback Kings, indeed.

Well, what can I say?? The Spaniards have proved critics wrong. It looks like Luis Aragones' team really want to make it through to the last 16. Unbelievable, considering the fact that they came from behind in the second-half.

The three substitutes made by the coach were brilliant. Raul scored Spain's first goal in the match & it's easy not to wonder why. With his vast experience & exquisite pedigree, you don't really expect him NOT to score, do you?? Joaquin Sanchez -one of my fave Spanish players- made himself very useful along the wings, providing good crosses in attack.

By the way, Joaquin is pronounced as Why-keen or Wa-keen, and not Jo-keen, like how you pronounce the Vanda Miss Joachim, Singapore's national flower. I like Joaquin. He's got the pace that you never would have suspected he possessed, but when he makes a run, you know something will be created. And, he looks like Gary Barlow!! So cuteee!!

Heh...

The icing on the cake was the brace from El Nino, himself. Yep, Fernando Terror had struck again & this time, not once, but twice; the second, from the spot after he was being dragged down by a Tunisian defender near the goal post as he tried to head on a flick from one of his team mates. Just like that, El Nino became the tournament's top scorer with three goals.

And by the way, Xabi Alonso was named Man Of The Match by FIFA.

*Squeeeeeeeeals!!!*

Ahh, yes. And the docile sheep finally gets recognition for his worthy efforts.

And, that's all there is for this round's reports. Round 3 of the group matches will be posted soon so, WATCH THIS SPACE!!

Laterz...
Lenny Chubby Dean GodGilla Xabs