Feeling Guilty As The First Daughter...

Mummy Alonso is having a bad day today. Actually, whenever she starts scolding us, it's a bad day for her. As the eldest in the family & Mummy Alonso's girl, I feel that in the majority of my life, the only thing I seem to be doing is to let her down time & time again.

I know Mummy Alonso wants so much for me to be like her. To be responsible, as an eldest daughter should & to be examplary to the other sisters. I know that I haven't been the best of daughters. Throughout my growing years, I was rather the bad apple than the good girl. Since kinder school, Mummy Alonso has been handling my misdemeanor. I didn't feel it then, but I guess I do now.

I don't want her to nag & scold & I don't like to see her displeased because of our actions. Or lack thereof. I just can't seem to be the girl Mummy Alonso wants me to be & I know sometimes she is disappointed with me whether or not she lets me know it.

Mummy has sacrificed alot for all of us but we seem to repay her by not being who we were taught & brought up to be. Sometimes, I feel like a fool for letting her down by being the irresponisible me. Or doing anything that I know would disappoint her. I don't like it, but sometimes it just happens.

One of my greatest fears for Mummy Alonso is that she will get so fed up with us that she'd just up & leave us, not loving us anymore. God knows what I'd do if she did that. Granted, we take advantage of Mummy's existence, relying on her for almost everything. Even though sometimes it's not my fault & I'm not the scolded victim, I still bear the guilt of knowing that one of us has let her down again.

I am trying my best not to be a useless bum now that I'm having my hols. Especially now when the fasting month is starting. It's kinda heartbreaking when Mummy gets angry. It means we're not doing something properly or we're not up to her expectations. And Mummy is the kind of person whom you'd want her approval. I mean, I guess I feel that way. I can't bear it when Mummy disapproves of something.

When Mummy's down, I can't help but feel or think, "Is it me??". You can't help that guilty feeling overwhelm you & tide you over. I want to show her that she's being appreciated & that we're all not taking her for granted but I don't know how. And that whatever she's taught us before is still instilled inside us, just that we haven't put it to good use yet.

And Mummy Alonso is one heck of a defensive mother, okay. An incident happened to me & a cousin between another cousin that spread like wildfire after this cousin blurbed out some stuff about the two of us to her Mom whom told her Dad & finally reached our grandmother. And you know how grandmothers are, going around telling other people about our misdoings. When Mom heard about it, she was of course, furious with me for awhile & I earned a hard pinch on my arm that still bore the tell-tale blueblack mark even after a few days later.

But Nanny Alonso called to inform Mom about my cousin & I like as though Mom hadn't already been forewarned by my aunt & I experienced firsthand again how protective Mom was of me & how she defended me with a ferociousness akin to a mother lion. Or in her case, a tigress since she was born in the year of the tiger. I first had a glimpse of Mom's protectiveness when my sister was accused wrongly & was condemned by a fellow family member. Mom damn near flew into a rage because my sis wasn't at all what she was accused of.

Though on the phone & talking to her own mother, Mom refused to let the situation taint us & went on a rebuke of her own, shooting back some stuff about the other cousin which was true but wasn't brought to light. She was that bitchy. I was eating Maggie for lunch across Mom, eavesdropping on every word she said & let me tell you, my eyes pop out more times than my teeth chewed.

Mom has pulled me out of sticky situations more times than my age, especially where my Dad was concerned. Which is why I feel that I owe her everything in my life. She has been my rock ever since I can remember & I still want it to be that way. But sometimes, I feel that she expects too much from me. Yes, I don't appreciate her nagging but frankly, would you rather have a mother who keeps quiet leaves you to do whatever you want to do & doesn't care even if you rot in hell or a mother who is noisy & overbearing to a point but in that way show her love, care & concern for you & never hesitates to push you back to the right path?? I'd take the latter, thanks.

I guess no matter how incessant her buzzing gets & how much it irritates the heck out of me, I won't be able to deny that no other mother is good enough to replace her. Every mother is unique in every way & I know I don't want to lose mine just yet.

This fasting month, I guess my resolution would be to be a better daughter than before in terms of resposibility, behaviour & faith. Last year wasn't meaningful for me but this time around, it will.

I know it's not Mother's Day or anything but I guess this is a good time as any to say that I'm sorry for all the tears you cried whether or not it was over my wrongdoings because it's my duty as a daughter to make sure you don't shed tears over us. Every misdoing towards a mother is a sin almost unforgiveable & God knows I've done alot. I will try my very best not to let you down as much as I did before; I want so much to be the daughter you can be proud of & depend on. I can't guarantee an overnight change but I will try. I promise.

Laterz...
Lenny JC