Today is a shitty day for me. It started with me not going for Maths tutorial at 9-friggin'-am in the morning because, hell I don't know because of what. Then, I forgot that yesterday was supposed to be the date for my theory driving test which I thought was tomorrow. I lost $6 for that.

Mom gave me another lecture which really had me down in the dumps. Not only because it was a lecture, but what she had said was kinda true. I was on the road to total self-destruction. I was lagging waaaay behind in a number of aspects, I failed my piano exam -which was a total letdown for both me & Mom- & I was in the depressed mode.

Life for me has been real shitty these weeks. Now, during lectures, I'm always with Janice, Vanessa & Suchi whom aren't even from my class & whom are also in some ways a bit like me. Outcasts, we're called. I can't even begin to dwell on how it feels like to be an outcast.

Had a talk with my mentor. Thank God I only poured out just a bit of what was really bubbling inside of me. Even that was enough for me to figure out where she stood in all of this. I realy don't know what to feel or how to feel. I don't know. I kinda feel numb & I don't feel like doing anything except just die. Jan has expressed this a few times to us & I totally agree with her.

Besides, she's had it a lot worse coming for her. Her ex is an adulterous son of a gun whom still wants 'to remain friends' but treats her like she's a lump of shit. Like how he treats me. Same way. Like hello, it's not as if we're actually clamouring for your greeting. We could do much better without it. If you greet us so half-heartedly, with a pissed-off, shitty face, then why bother to do it at all. You're just wasting your time & ours.

Seriously? I think I'm ready to just curl up & die. I've got a crush on someone. He's the kind of guy that girls would love to flirt around with, and yes, they do. In every way possible.

But I still like him because I'm very comfortable around him. He's the first guy I've had a crush on that I don't trip over my own tongue while talking to him. The one that I don't go all squeaky-voiced, gooey-eyed & drooly-mouthed over him. Okay, well, I do it behind him.

Anywayz, I'm sooooo depressed, I don't even feel like talking about JC walking the runway for a Tommy Hilfiger charity event; or soccer, where Alan Smit score the only goal against Middlesborough that brought them to a tie & Wayne Rooney is seriously pissing the hell outta me; or Michael Phelps, whom I haven't from in a long time! My grades are slipping & if I don't get my act together, I'll flunk tihs whole semester & I won't even be able to go to that trip to Laos that I signed up for.

I guess the only little bright spot in my life right now is knowing that Jan, Van & Such are there for me. I really really hope so. Because, that's one of the reasons why I even bother to go to school right now. Aside from the fact that I'm hoping that everyday is a chance for me to see you-know-who.

My life is such a mess right now. I know it may be chicken shit compared to some other person's bigger problems, but atthis moment, it is still a problem to me. I don't know if I can hol out til the end of the semester. I just pray that I won't have to repeat anything.

Laterz...
Lenny JC